Stop enforcing feminism on Bollywood

It’s disappointing when Shah Rukh Khan shirks away from topic of a slightly better shelf-life, or even equal pay for Bollywood actresses. Not because of his many roles as a stalker, emotional blackmailer, misogynist have paved the way for his enlightened view on ageism. But because he is considered one of the more intelligent actors around. According to him, women work ‘5 times harder and gets paid ten times less,’ and the market forces determine the value of an actor.

And he’s not wrong.

This is the reason why Dangal wouldn’t have done well if Aamir Khan hadn’t played the tough patriarch. It’s the reason why Mary Kom, which is also about a successful female boxer didn’t do well. It’s also the reason why Sultan did do well. Then again, bhai ka picture always does well.

We do have the occasional Mardani, Queen, or Jai Gangajal. But they will never come close to the sycophantic 100-crore club, which remains dominated by the likes of Khan. Of the top 10 most commercially successful Hindi films, only one is without a Khan (Bajirao Mastani). And of the highest grossing 15 Indian films, only Bahubali and Rajnikant’s Kabali are Khan-less.

In a sense, SRK is right. Commercial cinema is entrenched in financial super-success. Seemingly, the people in the best position to change that are the Khans.

Aamir, with Dangal being his last release, is the one creating the most positive change. A film about two young girls who are sportwomen, and not romantic accessories, is something none of the Khans have done before. He may have played an authoritarian with little regard for his daughters’ wishes, but any father-daughter story from Haryana that doesn’t involve infanticide, forced marriage or honour killing is commendable.

SRK may publicly accept the sexism and ageism, but that’s all he’s willing to do. He may even go the extra mile to patronise feminists by saying women are better than men. But his films rarely demonstrate a basic respect for women. He might have done a Chak De! India, but that does not dissolve him of his criminal offences like Chennai Express and Happy New Year.

Speaking of criminals, Salman may have films with fiesty-looking women, until they fall in love with him and forget all previous personality traits. They dissolve into the quintessential Bollywood wife: attractive impregnable slaves. Salman, on the other hand, has risen even more ever since he stopped trying to put an effort into his roles.

As the actresses cast against them get younger and younger, they are in such a cemented position that they will never get rejected by the heroine. That responsibility falls solely upon Ranbir Kapoor. Age is not the only deterrant to women starring against the Khan. They will have no qualms starring against ‘pure’ newcomers. On the other hand, the industry will subtly (and overtly) slut-shame Sunny Leone. She can be an item number, but never the love interest of any of Bollywood’s most expensive men.

Bollywood’s leading women have predominantly shied away, or gone back and forth on being feminists. And it’s completely fair that they don’t call themselves the f-word. It’s because they aren’t feminists.

The only women who have openly addressed the wage-gap are Kareena Kapoor Khan and Kangna Ranaut. Yet, one is known for her whimsical behaviour, or her apparently horrifying choice of name for her own son. The other one is known for her terrible taste in men.

There have been moments of some female empowerment. Cleavage gapers have been shamed, a cricketer boyfriend of an actress spoke up against calling her a ‘distraction’, and there are some women without the ideal Bollywood-heroine body type defending their right to exist whilst not looking like a Barbie doll.

However, none of the actresses are ready to be openly feminist. They dance in heels while men wear flats. They wear skimpy clothes and dance in freezing temperatures with a fully clothed man. They are constantly nitpicked on for their natural facial features and bodies. And if they dare change something, they will be shamed for that. They work as much as the men do. Their financial success is short-lived: many of them will be out of work by the time they’ve reached their industry shelf-life – for everyone loves a movie about a man and a youngthinbeautifulperfect woman. In spite of this, if they still don’t firmly believe that they deserve equal pay, then they’re really not feminists.

So we should really stop asking every famous vagina-owner about feminism. Especially when they come from an industry created to satisfy the patriarchy through elaborate song-and-dance rituals. If we want an unbridled feminist moment from Bollywood, all we can do is wait for the occasional Queen. Or even a Sunny Leone interview.

Where is my quarter-life crisis?

It’s a month to my 25^th birthday, and I’m still waiting for it to happen. But even being bombarded by ‘things that’ll turn ten this year’ and ‘things that’ll turn twenty this year’ stories hasn’t brought in my quarter-life crisis, so I don’t know what will.

I must have missed the point of childhood, since everyone wants to go back there, whereas I dread this to the very core. Go back to childhood? Sure. I would love to be randomly picked up, touched and smiled at creepily by larger humans. I would love to go back to the time when I was forced into a closed space with children my age and taught about things that would have no relevance in your adult life, such as equality, individual liberty and dignity of labour. Or when I forgot my homework and was led to believe that this is the end of the world. Or when you were constantly told to behave because you’ve grown up now, and then not being given tea and coffee as every grown up deserves. Perhaps people miss the days of being forced in the company of other kids because ‘they’re your age, play with them’? Or being taken to places just because no one knew what else to do with you, and then having to beg to be taken home from there every few minutes?

Maybe it’s the late childhood era that I’m supposed to reminisce about. You know, the one where you realise that you aren’t the centre of the universe because you aren’t cute and little anymore. Or the one where you find out that no one notices/cares about you. Only to eventually catch on to the fact that they are in fact paying attention to you. And now you must worry about what everyone thinks about you and being liked and accepted, all while you’re dealing with the dangerous split of maths between two deadlier streams: algebra and geometry. And lets not even get started about the introduction of team activities in your life. ‘Group project’ are two of the scariest words when used together, second only to ‘extended family’.

Another time period that is popularly adored is the time you spent during college. It probably was a wonderful time when you actually developed a personality and individual thoughts, met some of your closest friends and learnt about life. But then it gets over, and you realise it taught you nothing about real life. It inspired you to pick a major subject that you love, which happens to draw a salary less than the cost of your haircut (unless you went to one of those universities outside of which companies sit to nab you, and then try to drown you in money in return for your soul). Those friends were the ones supported you when your parents and teachers were disappointed in you. You thought this was for life, but it only lasted till they had babies of their own to be disappointed with. And then of course, was the time when you officially were an adult. But it would still be at least a couple of years till people started registering that (mainly because of the way you behave, but still).

The age group of twenties is usually the subject of most psychological studies, and is hated with equal fervour by all other age groups. The only expectation society has from you is to be the subject of disapproval. So as appealing as rewinding to a younger age sounds, I’m quite at peace with my current age. If I wanted to, I could go on an impulsive, life-changing trip because I’m allowed to. And I wouldn’t have to worry about carrying my medication or having back and knee problems, because that’s the beauty of your twenties. But I’m going to do none of this, obviously. I’m going to lie in bed and watch TV series. That’s what all the other kids are doing.

Happy New Year does seem to have it all

Happy New Year is a quintessential Bollywood movie, but it is much more than that. It draws you towards itself like a moth to a flame, and leaves you wondering why you would watch it. More importantly, it leaves you entertained, which makes you severely judge yourself. This is a ground-breaking movie, a pioneer. By that I mean it is perhaps the first movie to issue a warning that alcohol is injurious to health, to an audience that has previously only been warned about smoking.
But I digress. Moving on, this movie has everything an entertainer should have.

Historical significance: A very strong representation of Indians, their obsession with former glory and blue diamonds. Also reminiscent of Shah Rukh Khan’s wonderful performances (strictly historical).
Guardian Angels: Excerpts from movies like Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, Chak De India, etc.
The Martyr: Dubai. Chosen over other exotic locales, only to be used for its harshness and brutality to punish Jackie Shroff and then discarded. Plus, their police had to be extra accommodating, Bollywood police style, to let SRK trash talk with Jackie Shroff towards the end.
The Parental Figure: Jackie Shroff. He may be harsh, but he really is an over involved parent at heart. Which other businessman takes personal interest in the dance competitions he sponsors? Which other filthy rich guy takes a personal interest in the surveillance of his vault, not to mention give a guided tour of said vault to his employees?

The villain: Dance. I believe the ‘art’ has died a slow death. To be fair, the dance teacher (Deepika) was stiff as a cardboard so it wasn’t right to expect much from the rest. But I suppose her lack of talent is excusable, because she’s hot.

Token regional representation: Here, we have Abhishek Bacchan and Deepika vying for worst Marathi accent, giving Kareena from Singham some tough competition.

Patriotism: The emotion of patriotism has been exhibited by a devotional/dance song ‘Indiawale’. Also represented is the sad state of affairs in the country, through the peoples’ obsession with an obscure and shady dance competition.

Adventurous activities: Drenching Shahrukh in mud and water, and trying to convince the audience that his body is sexier than his eyes.
Places of tourist interest: Sonu Sood’s abs and Deepika’s navel.
Comeback Moment: A gentle reminder of Dino Morea’s acting career.
Pop Culture References: This is a movie that combines Don, all the Dhooms and Step Ups
Distinguishing feature: Farah Khan’s skill. Skill to get SRK to tattoo (albeit a temporary one) ‘For you Farah’ on his back. And to get Anurag Kashyap and Vishal Dadlani to dance as drag queens.

How to be a Good Indian Woman

It has come to my attention that many women have been demanding to be treated as humans. It’s not their fault, sometimes they aren’t educated about how they aren’t. Which is why I have prepared this guide, so that women know how to behave at every stage in life. 

 

1. When you are a child, you need not worry about this. Being a female child is in itself an accomplishment, since you were allowed to live. Concentrate on regular childhood things such as toys, food and hating school for a while.

 

2. As you grow older, you will begin to notice that society has begun molding you into the non-human that you are. Go with the flow. Remember that the position of Class Clown is reserved for boys. 

 

3. As you hit puberty, you must undergo the harshest training. You can communicate with boys, but the ratio of boys to girls you hang out with should never be 1:1. But if the number of boys exceeds the number of girls, run for your sake. And never be alone with unrelated males, because that means you are developing sexually. Do not argue about this; live in denial. Remember that this is your responsibility. Not the boys’. 

 

4. Pick a gender appropriate career, especially in the field of humanities. You may be forced to read about women’s liberation, but let that roll of your back. If you do pick something else, it is easier to avoid independent thought, but it is not lady-like.

 

5. At some point you may feel the need to date someone or be in a relationship. You must avoid these thoughts if you care about your future, and your reputation. Do not take the term ‘your reputation’ at face value. It is the collective reputation of your living, deceased and ancestral family. Only you can save it—by denying your natural urges. 

 

6. Remember to always smile and be bubbly and vivacious, but in a controlled manner. Being shy and ill-adjusted to your surroundings is helpful. Remember to not be too friendly towards males, because then you may be labelled as a slut. This counters the reputation we talked about in the previous point. 

 

7. If you do feel like giving in to dating, always pick from the men who are interested in you. It is wrong to decide who you like and then go for it. When agreeing to date, always date someone who pledges lifelong commitment. Whether that is followed through or not is irrelevant. Casually getting to know someone before you get into a relationship is not an option. Physical relations outside the bonds of holy matrimony without the purpose of baby-making aren’t permitted. 

 

8. In your early twenties, you will either have the option of an arranged marriage or to magically pop out a boyfriend whom you wish to marry. The second option is only available to girls who have not followed Rule No. 5. Even so, make sure the man is from your religion/caste/sub-caste, just to avoid unnecessary complications. 

 

9. You must undergo a painful ceremony called a ‘wedding’ where you will be hidden under make-up, heavy jewellery and flashy clothes. You must be nice to everyone here. Your husband’s family now owns you so you better suck up. Your late twenties are the alarm zone to get married. If you aren’t hitched by the time you hit thirty, you are required to waive off ownership of your breasts, vagina and other feminine parts. (Oh wait. They were not yours to claim anyway.)

 

10. After your marriage, you are required to live a life of servitude. You must try your best to produce a son, because he can marry a girl for you to torment. Sorry, I mean educate.